Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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