cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
