I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
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