My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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