i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
