Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
