alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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