I can feel you judging me through the phone.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
a search helicopter?!
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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