I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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