It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
