I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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