i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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