I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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