i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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