i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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