When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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