Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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