oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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