just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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