We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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