Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
