1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
