I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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