You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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