dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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