That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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