the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
