yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
