Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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