at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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