I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
he laminated a picture of his dick.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
