evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
