Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
