Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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