I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Randomize
