just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
