I haven't been this sober since birth.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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