if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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