Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
