i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
