It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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