did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I cannot find my penis.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
