Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
