He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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