Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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