I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
