Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
