dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
