Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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