Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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